THE ROOTED WOMAN PROJECT | April 15, 2023

Allison KT

Tanicia:

Hello, and welcome to the Rooted Woman Project.

I am so excited to share with you one of the sweetest most amazing people I know her name is Allison. She is here to support the burnt-out lights of the world. She is a Certified Coach, Reiki Master, and Boundaries Specialist. She works with people pleasers to help them feel more confident standing up for themselves, working on mindset, energy, and what I think is so important, how to navigate all of that in real-life situations.

So today, we are going to be talking about;

What people pleasing is?
What it means to be a highly sensitive person?
How to set boundaries? and
How to work with your energy and your mindset all around doing that?

Allison:

All my favorite things!

Tanicia:

Like so many amazing things.

So this project is dedicated to gathering together the ancient and modern wisdom being shared by the women who nourish the world. And I can’t think of anything more nourishing than supporting people in coming back to themselves, coming home to themselves.

And one of the things I love about what you do, Allison, is that you don’t just kind of share the philosophy, or the ideas around it. But you give these really tangible tools to actually support people out in the world. Because I feel like it’s so easy to get in these spaces where you’re like, oh, and like hypotheticals and imagine that.

Allison:

This is what I would do. cause like…

Tanicia:

Yeah. So welcome to the space. I would love to just leave some time here for you to share a little bit about your journey and kind of coming to this space and totally cools…

Allison:

Totally!

Well, hello, everyone, I’m so excited to be here. And just to have this conversation. Like I said, these are my favorite topics. So my experience with people pleasing and kind of how it connects to what I do now.

Basically, I had such a big heart when I was a little kid. And I didn’t know what to do with it. I was very sensitive, I was always worried about people. I was always just very, like how do I help others focused on others.

And I grew up with that I was putting other people first, you know, being good, being nice being the teacher’s pet checking all the boxes.

And every once in a while, I would have this like, I’ve always had this like confident wild streak that would come out. And I would like sometimes just be like, Yeah, and like really powerful really stand up for myself just really like, you know, cracking everybody up because I was being so goofy and like in my essence. And then I would you know, damping it back down.

And that pattern became really apparent. Once I graduated college, I had studied psychology and conflict transformation, which was like a very cool gave me a lot of the tools for the real world scenarios with people.

But I realized kind of coming out of that like I didn’t know what I wanted to do. So I sort of just did what I thought I should do and like went and got an office job and kind of fell into that world and was like this is this is what I’m doing and just kind of kept continuing to people please and do what I thought I was supposed to.

And I just felt my like sparkle being rubbed away. And I was just like, sitting there like looking at like a Panera lunch and being like, it’s gotta be more, there’s got to be more. And like so wonderfully at that point, I started really going to the gym a lot. And I met a lot of personal trainers. And like nutrition people who really showed me like wait a second, you can have a job where you have this like freedom. You can also like help people. And so that kind of introduced me to the world of coaching.

Which then I jumped into very long story short people pleasing was also to my detriment. They’re trying to start a business. And just like being constantly worried about what other people think. What will my mom think of this? If I posted online, what will my friends think, you know, who am I to think I can have this beautiful life and all of that kind of came in, which really stalled a lot of progress for a while.

And actually, like full transparency of the story it didn’t land we in inpatient meant inpatient mental health care for a period of time because it was just like, I was so burnt out, I was so disconnected from myself. Because I had spent all this life my whole life like performing to fit the box of other people. And then was like, I don’t know who else is like, I’ve never stopped, I’m scared to stop and like, ask that question.

And once I kind of gotten to that mental health care, and started, you know, seeing a therapist and learning like, okay, it can be safe to meditate, it can be safe to sit with myself, let’s do some healing to kind of learn this. And that really helped me see like, how much my life had been for other people and like, through the lens of how they were perceiving me.

And so that, yeah, once I realized that, I also kind of realized the message that it was sending to other people about me, like, I was kind of giving them this message of like, you’re superior, you can tell me what to do, you can boss me around, I’ll always be there for you.

But I also realized what message that was giving myself, of like, you are inferior. Other people are better. And like to borrow the phrase from the internet, like, once, you know, like, once you learn, you can’t like you can’t not know that. I had that realization and was like, whoa, I’m telling other people and myself that they’re like, inherently better than me. And I can’t buy with that. And that wild streak came back, and I just let it keep coming back. And here we are.

Tanicia:

Oh, my gosh, thank God for the wild streak. I got chills like multiple times as you were talking, because I feel like I can so deeply resonate with your journey.

And I’m curious, like two things.

One was like, at the beginning, when you said like, and I sometimes, I take notes, so if I looked down. You said at the beginning that like, you know, you would, you know, people please and be the teacher’s pet and like, kind of, like, do what you needed to do for other people. But occasionally, you would kind of bounce out and let it out and share your sparkle. But then you would kind of start to go and kind of temper it again.

Was there a particular thought that came in that made you feel like you had to tamper it was that like, did the fear and anxiety?

Allison:

Yeah, and unfortunately, I feel like it was an external message. In this case of like, you know, teachers or parents or family members or being like, Hey, this is like a phrase that kind of sticks out is like, don’t let your spotlight like cast a shadow

Tanicia:

Whoa. Interesting.

Allison:

So it was like, don’t be too big and bold, because it makes other people feel bad. And so I kind of was like, Oh, okay. Good. Yeah, it felt natural to like, be in that version of myself. But then there was always this, like, don’t be too big, you know, attention. Don’t like your hair, Purple. Purple now. So whatever. But, you know.

Tanicia:

I feel like just reinforces that message of again, gauging your light and your expression off of what other people how they might respond.

Allison:

Right, right.

Tanicia:

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that’s like, that’s big to hear, especially at a young age as a child, because you really,

Allison:

I think it was probably like coming into my late teens, at that point, too, which was like, also such a detrimental time of like, identifying like, who I am.

And it was just kind of like, as soon as I was stepping into that I was getting this message of like, okay, but like, don’t be too big.

And then also friends being like, I remember so many times, I would show up and like what I thought was an awesome outfit. And my friends, quote, unquote, would be like, What are you wearing? And it was like, I think I would amazing, but I would like let them like, oh, maybe it is wrong. Maybe I am, like, not quite good enough to like, take up this much space.

Tanicia:

Especially at that age, because teenage years is so about image. It’s so all about like, but that’s where I think society gets it wrong, because it is a time for external creative expression. It’s this beautiful time of kind of coming into yourself and like, having a voice and having an opinion. And so often it’s like, oh, but that doesn’t fit the norm. So you’re right, or you’re on the outside or that’s not okay.

Allison:

Right. It’s like you can have your opinion but like still within permission of like, what is accepted?

Tanicia:

Exactly, totally.

And then there was another thing that you said later when you were like saying how and this I think is also a really big thing like when you really realize that you are living for what’s going on outside, and so much of who you are is made up of that, that you don’t know who you are in the inside that you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what you need, you don’t know how you feel about things.

Because for so long, your opinion has been shaped by outside influences. And this is where I think the tools you do are really interesting that I know we’ll get to later but it’s like, if you’ve been attached to this way of acting from a people pleaser standpoint, as a way of keeping and maintaining that connection, then to separate from that behavior and self identify implies a separation. which can feel terrifying.

Allison:

And, can I just add a bonus to that? Not only are you like, stepping away from like, yourself, in some ways, but you’re also like, it requires like teaching people to treat you in a new way.

So there’s also this bonus piece of like, “Okay, I’m stepping into this new version, I’m leaving this old version of me behind in many ways.” And I’m also like, going to teach other people to like, catch up with me.

So that’s why I always like, tell people on this journey, like, give yourself grace, like, realize how many levels of like unlearning and relearning, you’re doing here. Like, whenever people are like, help me just like, fix it really quick. I’m like, Okay, well, we have to understand like, there are levels and like, once, you know, it does, like, bring it like, okay, we can get through this. But there’s definitely some layers.

Tanicia:

Yeah. And like, the way like the labyrinth cycle of it. Like, you might get closer to it sometimes. And then you get further away, and then you get closer to it.

So for those watching, who maybe aren’t familiar, like, I know, for me, I heard the term highly sensitive person for a long time. And I’m like, what does that mean? What does it mean to be highly sensitive? What does it mean? Like? What are the qualities that you might see in someone’s life that would maybe lend to this particular,

Allison:

Totally, yeah, and this is something that I just heard a piece of content on it on my Instagram, that is like a list of like, ways to kind of I realized that you might be an empath.

And one of the things I noticed while I was like writing the copy for it, and somebody echoed this sentiment in the comments as well, was that for so long, I was like, I don’t I don’t fit that box. Like, I don’t qualify, Like, even though these things are true, I don’t qualify like I’m not this way. And so I think there’s also like a piece here, like, if you see any of this, like, there’s no police that are going to be like, No, do you have to check all these boxes? Like, if it feels like a helpful identity to be like, Yes, I’m highly sensitive. Yes, I’m an empath, like 100% Bring it on.

But to me, I’ve always likened it to sort of living life with like, an extra level two, it like not only do I see things, I also very strongly feel things. And so it’s that kind of like, notice, and like I also for people, it might be like, ending up being very sensitive to what’s happening around you.

I recall how difficult it was for me to like, take my dog on walks in downtown San Francisco. Because it was like, “Okay, I had to work so hard on that, because it was like, there were car noises. There were people, there were smells, the dog was pulling, like, I was hungry, like, all of these things.”

And so it’s sort of like, just having this like, turned up to 11 kinds of experience of, of emotions of things like that. I also really feel it like there’s almost this like, inability to like not care. Like once you’ve decided to care about something like it’s hard to turn that off. And it’s hard to like, turn off feelings. Like, oh, man, I can’t remember how many people told me like, Game of Thrones. And I tried. Yeah, like, it, like haunted me like I had dreams.

You just like felt it. Like I could not watch and I was like, This is not an enjoyable experience or, like, you know, more power to like the true crime fans of the world. Like something for me, like my brain just can’t, like, grabs it and like freaks out.

And so that’s totally like, kind of a thing I see with it too, is it’s just this like, my brain, my heart my body just like feels it and takes it on. And so yeah, that’s kind of those are some of the like major identifiers. I really see for it. Just that like sensitivity to just kind of really feel what’s happening around you know.

Tanicia:

It’s almost like you’ve taken so much information that you just get overstimulated. It’s too much.

Allison:

Yeah, yeah, like, before I knew I was an empath, like as a child, it was just like, my mom and I were recently talking about this, like, I worried about everything, I would wake her up in the middle of the night worried about like, where stray animals go when it rains. And like, I would like, see a person like on crutches, and I would be like, Oh my gosh, like, they must hurt. Like, they must be in pain, I would see like, I just like I couldn’t. Like, if the news was on, my parents would like change the channel if I came into the room because it was just like, I couldn’t take it.

I remember, like, learning about topics in school and just like having a really like, okay, we’re talking about this. And I’m, like, feeling these big feelings. And so that was also like, I really knew it from like that. I didn’t have the words for it. But yeah, it’s just that, like, my heart was too big, too big for me to know what to do with. I forgot where I was going with that train of thought. But like, there’s a question there. And I missed it.

Tanicia:

But no, no, you’re perfect. We were just talking about how you like being that sensitive person. It’s like, you’re so open, and you receive such big emotions. And it was like, yeah, like, my husband watched this one movie I love I actually really think Adam Sandler is really funny. But it’s one movie where he’s like; he’s got like a diamond that he’s selling. And he just, it’s awful. Like, my husband watched the whole thing, but like, watching people make decisions that are that, you know, are to their detriment in a movie for entertainment. I’m like, I can’t do this. Too much. Like, I’m too I can’t I can’t separate the fact that he’s not a real person. And I just thought the movie like,

Allison:

Yeah, like, I’m gonna just, yeah, totally, totally. Like, it’s so beautiful, too. Because I feel like sometimes I’m able to, like, connect with something and like a really passionate way. But then yeah, other times, I’m like, This is too much. To go like certain songs. I’m like, Nope, we’re going to skip that one. Yes, movies. I’m like that one’s not for me. I just haven’t learned by my limits.

Tanicia:

I have so many things to say to this one, just really quickly on that topic is that I love that you know that about yourself. Because I feel like there’s this quality, especially among women, I think that’s like, “Oh, we’re too sensitive”. And to be able to honor that sensitivity as not a curse, Or, you know, not being on my period. Right. But just in general, like, I am a sensitive person.

Allison:

I’m just a whippy human. We just cry a lot!

Tanicia:

And that’s okay. Right to make space for like that whole spectrum of being human. I just, I love that you really own and honor that and celebrate that.

Allison:

Yeah, I love, I love that counterbalance, too, because I also am a competitive weightlifter and spend a lot of time like with a barbell in my hands. And, like, it’s all about the balance. But I feel like that allows me to be so sensitive in some ways because I’m just like, I know how strong I am. And like I have that level of worthiness of just like, Yeah, this is such a good.

Tanicia:

It’s a great duality, sensitivity, and then the string. Yeah. I love that.

I’m curious when you were talking like, do you feel like you’ve seen people who are like highly sensitive as kids? And then they kind of create this outside kind of coating of strength and kind of stoicism and like detachment in a way of kind of keeping themselves safe, like this adaptation of safety. And so then as an adult, we might be like, I’m not sensitive. I’m super strong super Tang, right? Like, how to, like, is there that kind of progression to or do you find that people who are highly sensitive continue to kind of stay connected to that part of themselves?

Allison:

Yeah, that’s a great question. I think it really, you know, like person to person, people will kind of find their ways, but I know, like, a great example is I always, I think about my father and my father. He and I were extremely incredibly close. Our birthdays were two days apart. He passed away in 2016. And we just, like, we had a beautiful relationship. And he, he was super sensitive. He was very sensitive, but he also was like, very externally tough. Like all my friends were like, I’m scared of your dad. Like there’s a big beard, he has big glasses, he has long hair, he just like, looks tough.

But then he would like, that’s I think my death, my huge heart definitely kind of came, both of my parents are extremely loving, but like, my dad, you know, would like one time, there’s a story of he, and my mom were on a date. And he like, noticed a fly, like stuck in a spiderweb outside, and like, went out and like took the fly out. But then came in and had this like, existential crisis about like, but now the spider can’t eat. And, like, was dealing with that, but it’s just like, oh my gosh, I get it. Like, that’s why I’m worried about stray animals and thunderstorms. Like, no wonder, but he grew up in, you know, he was born in the like, right before in the 60s, and 59. And like, kind of grew up with this, like, tough, tough mentality, like, you can’t be sensitive, you have to be, you know, manly, and all this stuff. And so I think he really like, hid a lot of that.

And, you know, when we do that, like, I think there’s like that misalignment with ourselves. And so I think, you know, the body, I don’t know, if it’ll necessarily come out as like a strength thing where you like, really get into kind of finding that, but I think like, it has to become this mindset of like, you can use your sensitivities as like a superpower, when you like, see how powerful they make you.

And so like if that, you know, right, like, I was a child who was super sensitive for a long time, I was like, Well, I’m just going to be an anxious human for the rest of my life. Yeah. But then I kind of learned how to like, navigate and be like, Oh, I know that Facebook makes me anxious. So I just don’t make myself go on Facebook, like, now I’m able to, like, respond to myself, because of like a self-awareness piece of just like, learning to say like, well, this is I guess who I am. The same thing happened with my height, I’m only I’m five foot tall. And for the longest time, I was like, I’m gonna get taller, I get taller, I’m gonna get taller. And it was finally when I was, like, 25, I was taller. And it was just like, I had this realization that was also kind of around the same time to with my sensitivity, where it was just like, what if I just say, This is who I am? And, like, love myself that way? What if we just try that? What is that kind of? I think when you find that, like, yeah, that’s how you can kind of make it work for you.

Tanicia:

Yeah. I love that. I love that on so many levels of like; just how about we try loving ourselves?

So I feel like we talked about this a little bit, but just in terms of kind of highlighting it for the people watching. What would be like being supportive and caring about people, and wanting to love on them and anticipate their needs and give, give give…

It’s an adaptation to some degree, like where we do it to help ourselves feel safe to help us feel connected to the person. Sometimes, like, I know, in my experience, what I would do is I would make sure that other people’s needs were met so that I felt like they were in a good mood and in a space to then I get them I get my needs met. So there’s like this, this specific way that we kind of, you know, do the dance a little bit. And so what would be some reasons why that particular dance isn’t in service to us?

Allison:

Yeah, yep. So I have a phrase I like to use for that dance. I like to call it defensive niceness. And this stems from, I think, a lot of where like people pleasing comes from. This is like, kind of the science of it, I guess, is there’s this concept called a motophobia, which is the fear of negative emotions. Interesting. And so it’s that like, Oh, I’m going to be like, extra nice to this person. You know, I’m going to clean the whole house. I’m going to make it so beautiful, though. So that when you know they get home, I can ask them for, you know, a little bit of money.

You’re like, I’m going to, you know, call this person on their birthday. And like, really, you know, show up for them? Because I want them to like me. Yeah, we’re like, I will let her choose the restaurant because what if I get it wrong and like she hates it, and there’s nothing she can eat?

And like, it’s kind of that, like, Okay, how do I like keep everything calm? And the real kicker there is that that is actually like manipulation. In a lot of ways, it’s like very much like, Okay, I’m exerting some kind of control over this to keep it in what I can handle. And so I really see kind of the emotions that like, keep us in that is actually like that, how do I like avoid conflict? Or, like, how do I, you know, avoid them saying anything awkward to me? How do I avoid them? You know, from like, talking about me, like, how do I avoid all of that.

And so that’s kind of row where I really see like, that’s also kind of the distinction I see between like, just being like a kind person, versus being like a nice person who’s like doing it a little bit more like nice. I’m trying to be like, pleasing to you. I’m maybe putting you first.

Whereas like, yeah, you can totally call your friend on her birthday. That’s a great thing to do. And like, if you’re doing that, from the kindness of your heart from this place of like, Yeah, let’s, you know, continue the relationship. You know, I love her. I want her to know how special she is today. That way, but if it’s rooted in that, like, because I want her to like me, or like, because I want them like, that’s how you kind of identify like, Ooh, this is a people-pleasing behavior versus like, I’m just a loving human.

Because for so long, I was like, nice, and it was like, okay, suddenly, I’m helping everybody move. I volunteered for every committee at church. I’m watching everybody’s kids. And it’s like, yeah, wait a second. Like, oh, maybe I’m just saying yes to everything. Because, like, I want them to like me.

Tanicia:

Right.

So this actually is another thing I wanted to ask you about, was just perfect, like. So you find yourself saying yes to everything. And now we can see the detriment of like, why we wouldn’t necessarily want to engage in that behavior. But engaging in that. What did you find it brought up like, did it? Did it bring up? Were you just depleted, overwhelmed, anxious? Like, yeah, where was your limit? Like, at what point were you like, I can’t do this anymore.

Allison:

Totally, totally.


So I think for me, it really was kind of that moment of realization of, like, I’m telling myself, other people are better than me.

Like, I am giving them that message when I put them first, when I don’t set the boundary when I let them, you know, have conversations that make me uncomfortable when I just brushed it off.


And so it was kind of a slew of those things, where I really sort of realized, like, wait a second, this is who I am, like, I am my own companion for life, I want to be able to, like look myself in the I look at myself in the mirror, and just be like you’re doing the very best you can, and like you stood up for us today, and like, I want to be able to have that relationship.


And so if I see myself kind of, you know, putting other people first really not being in my own way. It’s that kind of that all summed up into this, like, okay, something has to change here. Like I have to, I don’t want it like it was also kind of this realization to, like, I very much grew up with a strong concept of God and a strong concept of like, there’s something bigger, we all have a purpose.


And I came across this, like, I saw it somewhere online, but it was this whole piece that, like, God doesn’t make extra people. And, like, everybody is here for some kind of purpose. And then I kind of expanded my spirituality into, like, what if I chose to come here? Like, what if I’m actually here? For some kind of something? And, like, that feels good. That feels exciting, like, oh my gosh, so like, then once all of that kind of came together, it was like, okay, so if I’m on a mission from God, and like, this person over here thinks it’s weird. Like, why on earth would I listen to them? When like, God and I got something great over here. So I’ve just had to, like, come back to that side. But yeah, that was kind of that, like, Okay, I’m here for something bigger. And the final straw.

Tanicia:

Yeah. I love that because it reminds me of so I went to this meditation school for years.

And the guy who started it wrote all these books, and it was kind of like, there’s almost like, you know, you it’s like, it’s like a story almost like Lord of the Rings, you know, like this, like, it’s like just really some soaked in symbolism and Oh, are worldly, but it was like, literally the progression of consciousness.

And so there was this one part where the main character went down into the underworld and had to walk through what they call the caverns of sickness. And it was a part of like a ritual are an initiation. And what was so interesting that really stuck out which is so similar to what you just said is that along this path, it’s like the essence of being in your shadow. The essence of being in those dark, murky spaces of your own internal landscape, and your fears and your doubts and your anxieties and depression, like all of it in this dark space.

And at one point, he saw this beam of light coming down from connection coming down from the Divine, the universe, like whatever, like this, this Holy Spirit. And he realized that nothing out here mattered. It was this connection. It was this agreement that he had to fulfill in this incarnation, just like, and it gave him the power and the strength to just continue walking because that was kind of the mission, you just keep walking, don’t stop.

And it really stuck with me because I feel like on my own journey, journey of healing from people pleasing, it helped me say like, well, what’s my mission here? What am I here to do? What’s my superpower? What’s my truth? What’s my wrongness? What’s my wildness that wants to come out? Because all that matters is me and the connection to that. And people are going to have their own experiences about it. Some will think I’m cool; some will think I’m weird. Some will think I’ve lost it. Some will think I’m onto something, like formatting something,

Allison:

On something or on to something. Like what they think.

Tanicia:

But none of it matters because my I’m connected to myself. And the energy at large, like, I feel completely at home. Yes. Right. So I love, I love that. Like, that’s been one huge resource for me and kind of coming back to.

Allison:

That sounds like an amazing journey. I like deeply curious about this. This book.

Tanicia:

They’re so good. I will happily tell you about them. They’re they’re amazing. I mean, that even start the I mean, I won’t go into it because I ended up talking. circle back after.

So just wanted to go back to my questions because I didn’t want to miss anything. I feel like you, and I could just talk like free forever.

Okay, I’m curious. Because we’ve kind of covered what it means to be highly sensitive, what it means to be a people pleaser, the importance of coming home to ourselves, and really honoring that. And you do a lot of work with supporting people in establishing real-world tools. You support them and energy work mindset work, like What are just a few nuggets that you could share that would support people in kind of having the courage to look at themselves in this new way?

Allison:

Totally. Yes.

So that’s kind of like at first so long I like came at this work from different directions, where I was like doing therapy stuff to work on my mindset, and I would, you know, nourish my body and you know, body image and like, physical form, and I was just getting into like energy and spirit kind of stuff with starting to meditate. And once I kind of realized, like, wait a second, when I put all of these things together of like, healing the beliefs in my mindset, like, healing my energetic body to feel confident, and then also having like, you know, statements that they’re ready to say, if somebody’s you know, given me unsolicited advice that I don’t want, like, having, you know, kind of my go-to, no, thank you, I’m not interested kind of comments. And so I’ve kind of put all of those together. So kind of the, the piece I see with the kind of a tip for each is like with the mindset piece, it’s really all about your self-image, and like your worthiness.

And so, you know, kind of when we’re talking about the shadow stuff, like if there’s a piece of you that is lingering, and it’s like, but I don’t actually feel worthy. And like, okay, maybe there’s something that you need to forgive yourself for. Maybe there’s like some belief shifting about how the world works that like could happen and so really tuning into that lake, do I truly see myself like to say like, as Lizzo sees herself like Lisa was like, so confident and bold and just like it in her power that it’s like, yeah, I want to love myself like Alyssa loves herself. Yeah.

So if you’re like, maybe I’m not like, Okay, start there, like, figure out what that like mindset piece is, then with this kind of like energy piece, like for people I always talk about, like, if you’re going into a conversation where you’re, you know, not feeling super confident, you’re maybe feeling like, oh, this is gonna be like an awkward conversation, all of that, like, you don’t want to bring that energy with you to it. Like, you might have this awareness of, like, Ooh, yeah, this might be a little bit of a tricky situation, but it’s like, okay, that gives you knowledge of like, cool.

So I want to make sure that I’m really grounded, I want to make sure that, like, I feel prepared for that conversation. I want to make sure I have time for that conversation. So just kind of before you go into it, you, like, put on this energetic confidence of like, okay, maybe you ground yourself into the earth, or you pray to God, or you, you know, ask angels to be with you, or kind of all of those tools, like you can really take that into that boundary setting.

And then with the real life stuff, like, I think it’s just kind of putting those pieces together and then practicing, like saying things. In one of my programs, I used to do conversation labs, like practice that of like, okay, I always give in on sales calls and like end up not charging enough. And it’s like, okay, let’s have a totally safe conversation where you know, you are committed to this price, I might kind of try to push a little bit, but like, I won’t, you know, and it’s just like a safe way to kind of practice saying like; unfortunately, I’m not available to work for that price. My minimum is 500 a month. Perhaps I could refer you to some of these resources. Yeah. And it’s like, cool.

Once you know what you’re saying, once you’ve said it a couple times. Like, it’s beautiful. So there’s like that preparation piece can always go so far, because then you can come into it just with this, like, Oh, I got this, like, what’s the best that could happen? You know, we can like, transform this relationship for the better, like, this is going to be great. And I’m like, totally shifts the vibe. You’re not going into it like, cool; they’re gonna be mad at me. You’re like, oh, I can’t believe I have to ask for this, or like, yeah, don’t take that person with you. Like that person exists. Let that version of you, like, be heard in your preparation process. But then, like, when you’re having the conversation? Ourself,

Tanicia:

Yeah. I love that, like where you’re like, cuz that’s kind of going into like parts work, right? And character work, where it’s like, okay, there’s this part of me that feels really nervous and anxious about my

Allison:

Like, ego side.

Tanicia:

I always see is like, right? Yeah, like, there’s that part.

But then, by even just noticing it, you become the witness to it, which makes you not that part. So it’s like, okay, I see you, because I love that you said that, because there was this one, one time, I was like sending an email to somebody. Actually, I take that back, I had signed up for a class. And this part of me was terrified that I signed up for the class, and I was gonna be like, I wasn’t at the level, I should be for the class, like, I was like, like, they were more advanced or further along than me, and I was gonna get in there, and I was gonna feel like an idiot.

And so this part of me was like, You need to email the person to make sure that you’re going to that it’s okay. And the other part of me was like witnessing, and I was like, Okay, I hear your fear. I hear your concern. What do you need from me in this moment? And this little girl, part of me was like, I just really want you to email her and just ask her this question. And I was like, I can do that for you. Okay. And so I emailed, and it was fine. And then I showed up to the class and my power self because, like, so I love that you specifically said, like, acknowledge them in the preparation. But then show up as the power self-like. I really love that because it feels like that part needs to be acknowledged.

Allison:

Yeah. And if you just, like, tamp it down, like, yeah, that doesn’t end well. Like, throwing an internal tantrum because you’re like, I haven’t been listened to, or you’re like sweating and you’re and yeah, because it’s like, we just haven’t integrated that part.

Tanicia:

Okay, I last thing, so I know we’ve kind of been chatting for a while. And then when you do a lot of stuff, even with like Reiki and you were doing Akashic records for a while, like or like, do you kind of like wrap all of this stuff together? Like, I’m curious, like, how do you work with your clients? And do you pull in all of these different resources as a part of working with empaths?

Allison:

Totally, so I have, like, kind of the intensive level, like one-off experience for full three, just do Reiki sessions. Or we maybe do like Reiki and or reading. If something is, you know, like you feel like there’s more work to be done than I do have a like longer-term one on one program burnt out to bright light that kind of incorporates that, like, Okay, we’re gonna I always see it as like kind of the belief works. We’re doing some Reiki work. We’re like navigating real-life situations, I’m there to, like, help you stay in that power. And so I totally put it all together in that way.

But I also just really love kind of the like, you know, situational stuff with people of, like, I don’t know why this bothered me so much, like, okay, let’s figure it out. Let’s kind of like, navigate, you know; maybe there was that version of you that wasn’t feeling heard. And so, like, once we identify that, I’m like, okay, cool. Let’s hop into some Reiki real quick and like, send some Reiki back to that little girl version, and like, Just give her some healing.

And then, you know, we can jump back into the next part or maybe do a card reading. I just love having all of these tools at the ready, because they’ve also been very transformative for me in my own journey. Because sometimes, yeah, we’re like, working through a people pleasing situation. And you’re like, starting to notice, like, wait a second, this shows up a ton of places in my life, like blu ray question for the Akashic records, let’s come over and like tune into, like, you know, why this pattern like repeats for you. And it’s just like, you can do both.

And I also, I’m so excited, I’m starting a tapping certification next month, I’m gonna yFT into it, because that’s also like, hugely transformational for me in my own, like, rewriting some limiting beliefs.

So yeah, I just love kind of meeting with people around boundaries around people pleasing, and then kind of just really seeing what is necessary for the situation. I do a lot of, like, customized, like one on one kind of things of like, maybe we just do like a six-week Reiki thing, where we’re like, kind of talking about, like, people pleasing at work, or like, maybe we’re doing a longer-term thing. And it’s like, about relationships, because you’re dating and you like, can’t seem to like, random your power. And you always end up with these like situations. You don’t want to be in and like, okay, let’s work around that.

So I really love kind of bringing what people need. And then just having that, like, you know, let’s do some right here on this. Let’s do some cards. Let’s pull a card. Let’s see what, you know, nonviolent communication, like, let’s see what the kind of frameworks have, like that have to say. So it’s really that mix of all of them is my favorite way to work with people.

Tanicia:

Yeah, I love that. I got I mean, I my whole body’s like, yes, yes. Yeah.

Like, I love the pulling from different resources. Because, like, that’s, that’s the ultimate goal of the rooted experience is to create this tribe of humans that support and nourish the world through a variety of modalities because there’s not just one way. Like, you go to someone, and they do mindset coaching, that’s beautiful, but it’s not going to help you get into your body and like move energy, right? Like, there’s, there’s so many different ways that I feel like all work together like at this, like this spiderweb of, of working together. And the other thing that I love that. I mean, I just love your energy. I love your voice. I love your presence.

And it reminded me of like, when I was learning my own role, or with people pleasing, one of my therapist at the time was like, you have to get comfortable displeasing people. And that hurt. I was, like, just really using people.

And so I actually like spoke it to my husband, I was like, I want to let you know, I’m gonna practice this pleasing you. Right? Like, almost like laying the groundwork. And it was great. He’s like, okay, like, because then he knew it was coming. And I had that permission to explore, like, things that were really uncomfortable. And so I really feel that, like, with the container you create, like this safe space for people to come and be honest about the things that are coming up for them and being able to work through them in a way that doesn’t in their minds create harm to their relationships.

Allison:

Totally. Ooh, yes.

One of my clients and I really did a lot to reclaim being high maintenance. Oh, yes. Like, I kind of want to be high maintenance. I would like me to, that’s okay. And it’s like, you know, I’m not like I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not harming anyone, but like, we had to really we did totally, some work around like, Okay, what what would my high maintenance self like do in this situation? What would that version of me want? Like, how do I honor that version? And just like, but kind of standing in that and like letting yourself be? that version? It’s a lot of times.

Tanicia:

Yeah, totally. Oh, my gosh, we have to do this again, because there’s so much so much fun. We will be sharing the video; we’ll be sharing the audio, we’ll have everything typed up in a transcript for people to read. And again, in all of that information, you’ll have access to Alison’s website, her Instagram, and you have a quiz, right?

Allison:

Yeah, we’ve been talking a ton about people-pleasing. And I didn’t give any of this away. But I actually see four different types of people-pleasing, and I break it down. And so I have a quiz about what keeps you people pleasing. Is it, you know, avoiding conflict? Is it overachieving? Is it doubting yourself, like all of this kind of stuff. And so if you’re interested in kind of learning and naming that version of people pleasing for you a bit, I have a quiz on my website; it’s in the footer. And it’s also the grounded empath.com/quiz.

And if you sign up to get the little like email after it, you get an email that has meditation, a guided meditation for healing your people pleasing, at the deepest level. It’s like a 15-minute meditation where we kind of really get into that, like, emotional self and do some of that, like, really transformational work. So if you’re interested in that it is a great resource that exists on my website, and learn a bit about yourself as a people pleaser.

Tanicia:

Yeah, we will definitely put that down below in the content for people to access because I feel like that’s really important. I feel like this is like one of the most important steps on coming home to yourself.

Allison:

And I love that phrase. I would love to just add this in here. This quote, like, has directed my life. I’m sure many listeners and yourself included, like probably you’re familiar with women who run with the wolves. It’s right next to me. But there’s a quote in there, where she says she’s talking about a wild woman, and she says, “She’s who we leave home to look for. And she’s who we come home to. I love that. We’re home to look for and who we come home to.”

Tanicia:

I’m gonna leave Allison. Yeah, I’m gonna end us there because that’s powerful. Yeah. Thank you, Allison, for being delightful. And I will see all of you in the next interview.

Abou t The Blogger

Tanicia Baynes

I am a meditating mama, the Indiana Jones of unconscious spaces, your biggest fan and a tell-it-like-it-is maven. Here you can read the latest musing by me or fellow healers and artists.

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